Maggie Hollinbeck

Two weeks ago, EN{COEUR}AGE was an idea that I had been quietly nurturing behind the scenes for many months.  Although I had been making a daily imperfect practice of self-compassion since the summer, I recognized that I was still living in a state of life-paralysis around the idea.  I found this term in Brené Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection and it hit me that I had been in life-paralysis around many of the really important creative ideas in my life.

Brown defines life-paralysis as “all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect.  It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others.”

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I have suffered from profound perfectionism all of my life, and it’s only in the last few years that I’ve become conscious of how viciously it can run me.  Awareness is the gateway to change, and as I’ve become more aware of its stranglehold, I’ve also become more aware of it as Not The Truth Of Me, but as an inner part that I could look at, dialogue with, and choose whether or not to listen to.

As I’ve deepened my self-compassion practice I’ve discovered that it is a powerful antidote to the poison of perfectionism, because of these two simple truths side by side:

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” (The Gifts of Imperfection)

Self-compassion quiets the internal voices of shame, judgment, and blame.  And most of the time, it’s our own self-recrimination that is most painful of all.  No abandonment by another can hurt more deeply than our own abandonment of ourselves.

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But what shows up when we choose to engage our muscles of self-compassion?  We become more resilient.  We become willing to be more authentic, vulnerable, courageous, and imperfect in our lives.  We become more accessible to others so connection is easier.

Because of my self-compassion practice, when it came time to offer up EN{COEUR}AGE, I was able to meet my fear with love, my vulnerability with support, and my risk with resilience.  I never could have guessed that such a gentle practice could be so potent.

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Today is Day One of EN{COEUR}AGE, and registration officially closed last night at midnight.  The rest of the course will be for participants only, but on this first day I’m offering a little extension so that I could share with you a snippet of what you’ll see if you join in.  If it speaks to you, click on the Paypal button below to sign up for the course – easy peasy!  The extension ends tonight at midnight, Pacific Standard Time.

Whether or not you join us, I wish you a wonderful, nourishing 29 days full of joy, love, and unconditional kindness toward yourself.

Video password: wholehearted

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Outside a Buddhist temple, South Korea, 2011.

November is when thankfulness becomes America’s national practice, and in the age of social media, my Facebook feed has become an online gratitude journal for so many of my friends.  It’s beautiful to read and to remember how sometimes the simplest things – a phone call with a friend, a snoring puppy, the perfect square of chocolate – can bring us most palpably in touch with the good in our lives.

As I continue to gather material for the EN{COEUR}AGE course, I’m reminded how much I need to hear what I and others are saying in the conversations I’m recording.  Self-compassion and gratitude are not by any means second-nature to me.  Sometimes I have to wade through a swamp of self-judgment and dissatisfaction to even glimpse some thankfulness, and every November I’m reminded just how crucial gratitude is to our mental and emotional health.

This morning I recorded a wonderful conversation with Hannah Marcotti, which will be included in EN{COEUR}AGE.  What started as a discussion about entrepreneurs (all of us are entrepreneurs somewhere in our lives) and self-compassion, turned into a beautiful reminder of the power of gratitude.  And that gratitude is a choice.  It is a conscious, active practice that we can choose in any given moment.  I can’t tell you how often I forget this!  I remember reading Melody Beattie’s book, Finding Your Way Home, and her account of sitting in the middle of a house she hated, tear-stained and miserable, and making the choice to start being grateful for the house in every possible way she could think of.  I remember thinking that she was talking herself into settling for a house she didn’t like – that’s the voice of my dissatisfaction addict – and I was skeptically intrigued when she shared that her gratitude practice turned her life around in ways she could never have imagined.  (And that it wasn’t about the house.)

I resist my gratitude practice, sometimes as if my life depended on it, but I can’t deny that I feel happier, and my life feels better, when I turn toward what’s working and focus on it – even for a few minutes.  It also lands me squarely in self-responsibility (which is probably where my resistance comes from) because it reminds me that my life is a series of choices, and even when circumstances “happen to me”, I am still in choice about how to respond and integrate those circumstances.  My dissatisfaction addict hates this, because she would so much rather grumble and pity herself, but gratitude is really excellent self-care.  That’s the most basic truth about it.  And gratitude helps us to rise up out of whatever we may be mired in.  Gratitude lifts.

So today, in this moment, I am choosing to be grateful.  That I have the opportunity to be with my family and friends for the Thanksgiving holiday.  That the sky outside my window is cornflower blue with billowy white clouds, just the way I like it.  That my niece and nephew make me laugh harder than just about anything else.  That I have the freedom to write this blog and to share myself, light and shadow, in the hopes that it touches someone out in the ether.  That my body is strong and supple and can withstand 90 minutes of hot yoga.  That I can choose whether or not to believe, question, set aside the negative self-judgments that are speaking to me right now.  That I have money in the bank and can afford to eat a good, nutritious meal.  That my legs can carry me for a five-mile walk if I ask them to.  That I am loved, and have a heart capable of loving so many, so deeply, with no guarantee of return.  That I have amazing people in my inner circle who I can call when my emotional pain eclipses my vision, and who can sit with me in the pain without turning away or trying to fix it.  That they can also remind me of what I can’t see in that moment.  That my life allows me the freedom to make a home wherever I want to make it.  That no decision I make is irreversible or permanent.  That there are blessings and gifts in my future that I can’t even begin to imagine.

Right now in this moment, at the end of reading this post, I invite you to take a moment, close your eyes, and find three things to be grateful for.  Yes, chocolate counts.  See how it feels to take your focus there just for the small amount of time it takes.

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EN{COEUR}AGE starts next Monday!  Please click here if you’d like to join the group for 29 Days of Self-Compassion.

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