Actress | Singer | Musician



Healing the Wounded Masculine: An Open Inquiry

Friday’s tragedy in Connecticut hit like ice in the heart, and there has been so much and so little to say about it.  That afternoon, after I hit my saturation point with the TV, the Facebook feed, and phone calls and texts, I sought refuge in nature.  I walked around Lake Washington, struck by the beauty all around me, juxtaposed against the horror still unfolding across the country.

How do we even begin to respond to such an event; one that brings up questions of the massive gaps in our culture that would make such a thing possible?  Each of us has our own response, and each one is as it must be for each of us – no right or wrong.  In my circle I heard in women an anguished need to grieve together and speak our hearts’ minds – to have a conversation.  I agreed to hold the space.

There are many conversations to have in light of last week’s events, and the conversation I need to have isn’t about gun control or mental health, although are both worthy and necessary discussions to be having.  The conversation I need to have is about how we can help to heal the wounded Masculine that mires men in the culture of “Real men don’t cry/feel/talk/ask for help/________.”  It is a major breakdown for our men and boys and, ultimately, for our entire culture.  The conversation I need to have is about how we as a culture can open the way for men and boys to reclaim their innate wholeness, choose vulnerability over got-it-all-togetherness, choose connection over isolation, choose true inner strength over brute force (inner and outer).

So I’m hosting a live tele-circle on the subject, from  9:00-10:30am PST this coming Thursday Dec 20th; an open forum to ask the questions we need to ask and to begin the conversation on where we go from here.  I have no pat answers, only questions and a burning desire to know how we move forward from here in making room for the wholeness of our men to be welcomed and expressed.


I’ll be joined by Pixie Campbell, a wisewoman who has created vital healing space for women reclaiming the Divine Feminine through her SouLodge courses; and Hannah Marcotti, life coach and advocate for the needs of the Highly Sensitive Person.  We are just three of many, many women who see our men and boys in pain, and want to learn how we can lead the way and hold the space for their healing and return to wholeness.  We’ll be joined by David Tejeda, a Seattle-based healer and health coach who is committed to healing the wounded Masculine and restoring the balance of Divine Masculine and Feminine side-by-side. I want to hear his voice as a man who has been able to step outside of the Wounded Masculine Matrix and who can see what’s happening and what needs to happen, and what men need from us women in order to make this transition.


Healing the Wounded Masculine: An Open Inquiry in Response to Newtown
Date: Thursday, December 20, 2013
Time: 9:00-10:30am PST
Phone number: 805.399.1000
Code: 186916#
This call will be recorded and available within 24 hours for playback.
Nothing will be promoted.  The call is for questions and discussion related to the subject only.

Please join us if you feel called.  For now, I light candles and send up prayers of…I don’t even know.

Prayers of deepest sympathy to the families who lost loved ones.

Prayers of peace for the community in anguish.

Prayers of hope that we can all heal.

Missed the call?  Listen to the recording here!

Click here to view the Healing the Wounded Masculine resource list.


  •    Reply

    What a wonderful idea. Thanks for doing this.

  •    Reply

    I am a man – given the opportunity by life – via the death of my 18-month-old daughter Erin in 1990 and my 43-year-old wife Trici in 1999, to become a whole human being … balancing and practicing the masculine and feminine as I learned to mother AND father my two young sons, following their mom’s death. In 2004, my oldest son Rory – now 13 – was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer … and, I once again, was given the opportunity to mother deeply. Rory died in 2005, and I continue to mother and father his younger brother Sean who is now 17. I have worked with hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people since Rory’s death who are all learning to live with the death of someone they love. I have connected with them through my website, in small groups, through large presentations and most recently through my Facebook page ( About 10% of the people I work with are men, 90% women. Where are the men? We have a crisis on our hands.

  •    Reply

    Part of me says, “blah” to the idea. I am not certain that getting men in touch with their feelings is the answer. It may be a feminine answer to the issue. I do think many women see the pain and the need for men to be vulnerable. Of course, many of us men see that as weakness (it all depends on how we internally define vulnerability). I know many women and some men would say it is not weakness, and to an extent I would agree.

    What I think men need is the right to be strong and to be bold. Classic masculinity seems to be diminished at almost every turn. While the issues of treating women fairly and properly is good, and while the call to see homosexuality as a reality that must not be attacked or degraded is good, the impact of the deluge of articles and posts regarding these issues is significant. Classic masculinity is implied to be domineering and homophobic – and that is not a true assessment.

    Classic masculinity does need to be honored once again. The desire to build, to achieve, to conquer difficulties, to outsmart an opponent (as in hunting or sports) is inherently masculine – not exclusively, but inherently. That needs to be promoted and honored.

    In light of tragedies and hardships what men need is not simply ways to talk about feelings but ways to put their hands to the plow. How many men who face great suffering and loss turn that into a crusade of sorts? John Walsh and America’s Most Wanted comes to mind. It is the chance to overcome, to take on the challenge in a real hands-on way that brings to men a sense of healing and hope.

    Beyond that is the call to mentor and to befriend young men. To teach boys and youth how to engage their masculinity in real ways, beneficial ways, other-person-honoring ways, that is the key to stemming the tide of tragedies. For you see, it is there that many men can work through their issues. It is in the camaraderie of men that they find new strength and acceptance and ways to act as real men full of honor and compassion. It requires men of character who are willing to guide the process, ask the hard questions, and encourage the development of men in their psyche and emotions in positive ways. Again, not in domineering ways or power-exerting ways, but in strong, bold and honest ways.

    And yet, as I write this I know, my answer will not solve the problem. Nor will yours. Tragedies will happen. People will act with malicious and harmful intent for a number of reasons. It is the nature of our humanity. What we need most is a transformed nature – and there is only one power able to achieve such work in us. That is the power of God’s Holy Spirit that comes through Jesus Christ. And even that will only work in us as we choose to allow it to work. So, until Jesus comes back and brings his Peaceable Kingdom to a full reality we will have to face the horror of our human nature. So, I end with the words of Christmas – “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel”

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